Ok, so it’s been a while since I’ve posted on here. In fact, it’s been a while since I’ve written anything at all and until about two weeks ago, I’ve scrapbooked twice since February.
Now I can dress it up anyway I want but the truth is, I didn’t want to. Or at least, I had no inclination to. Can you smell rut. What’s more scary, I was not happy. I was not unhappy or sad, just not happy. I went about my day doing what I had to and when it came to doing the things I really enjoy, I went to bed, or the TV or, my personal favourite, facebook games.
I did give the matter some thought but without actually analysing the root. It wasn’t until I did this LO that it hit me. I am a good mom, wife, teacher, friend, counsellor and daughter, but I was not really that good at being Chantal. Which is really sad, since given my way, I would be brilliant at it.
Don’t get me wrong, I love being all those things. I love cheering for Nikita at swimming galas or netball matches. I love when I’m the first person Stephen calls when he lands a big client. It is with a certain sense of honour that I listen to my students as they spill their hearts out to me.
The reality is that I was so wrapped up in everything else going on in my life that all I knew to write about was what was going on with everyone else. Once again, can you smell rut. So I did what every self-respecting woman would do in this situation. I got a haircut and bought new shoes. I also have a tendency when I want a fresh start to invest way too much money in bath and body products. My Avon sales rep just loves me at the moment.
So sporting a new-do, and feeling all fresh and pretty, I gave the matter some more thought. If doing all those things is not rewarding enough, then what is it that I want to do? All I came up with was what I don’t want to do. I don’t want to be a full time SAHM. I don’t want all my scrapbook pages to be about Nikita. I don’t ever want to see another soap opera. I don’t want to spend the best part of my day with housework and watching re-runs. I don’t want to be so involved in online games that I wake up at 2am to harvest virtual lollipops.
When you read it like that, the answer is simple, isn’t it. I need to go back to work. The only problem is I’m very picky about the hours I am willing to work. I still want to be home when Nikita gets home from school. I want a job that will allow me to work like a horse when I have the time but will also allow me the freedom to follow other pursuits.
I also want to write. I want to finish my novel. I want to blog regularly. I want to journal again. And I want to scrapbook. I want to document my life and I want document my loved ones lives from my perspective, not theirs. I am aware that life is unpredictable and I want to document as much maternal advice as I can so Nikita can benefit from it whether I am there or not.
So yes, I want a job, I want to be home with my daughter, I want time to write my novel, I want to blog, I want time to do the things I enjoy. In other words I want it all. A feat, I would have thought impossible except…
While I was going through the whole soul searching phase, so was my husband and more importantly so was his boss. Stephen was ready to run his own business, he just didn’t have the resources to start one. His boss on the other hand was growing bored of Stephen’s division of the company and wanted to concentrate his energies on his other ventures. To make a long story short, Stephen and a collegue bought that division taking along the current and existing client base, essential equipment but no other resources. They had a business, they had clients, they could do the work but had no administrative help. Step forward the bored housewife who’s been doing admin her entire adult life.
Yes, I am once again gainfully employed as an administrator. It will be a part time position in the sense that as long as the work gets done, I can pretty much do as I please. (Literally, if you consider that the office has uncapped DSL.) The offices are at my inlaw’s home meaning Nikita could come there after school if I have work to do later in the day.
I suppose it all worked out the way it was supposed to. I’m working part time, I’ve scrapbooked 5 pages this month already, I started writing my novel again and look I’ve even blogged.
Of course with all this reflection and self- analysis, one thing is clear, Mid-life Crisis: Stage One – Completed.
Chantal
PS: Here’s the cover page of my new BOM album/Owning Pink Journal
